My Spouse Cheated! Don’t Leave Just Yet…

While most people in marriages feel like their relationships will succeed, today 50% of first marriages STILL end in divorce (and it gets higher with second and third marriages). Even more traumatic than those statistics is that infidelity is a common issue in many marriages (and it’s getting easier and easier to be tempted…thanks Ashley Madison and the internet in general!).

Couples grow apart, and a partner finds and outside lover to fill in the missing pieces of emotional and sexual intimacy that seems forever gone in one’s current marriage. Suddenly, this new partner provides excitement and closeness to a spouse who has felt emotionally alienated for so long. Chats become coffee breaks, coffee breaks become deeper talks, deeper talks turn into emotional affairs, and physical affairs often follow. Sad but true.

The facts about divorce and affairs can be alarming, but it makes sense when you consider that most people don’t know how to be married or stay in a long-term relationship successfully. Really. Most people think, “If we’re meant to be together, it’ll all work out and love will get us through.” Um…not really. Mother nature drops you in within 2 years, remember? Then it’s up to you to create love. That physical chemistry that once charged your relationship is now up to you to build. Most couples don’t really realize that, and if they do, they don’t know how to actually accomplish it.

So…people seek partners outside of their marriages because they feel something is missing within their relationships. While there are some unique reasons for people to cheat – like sexual addiction, for example – most cheating partners follow a familiar and predictable pattern. That pattern usually consists of filling in deficits that they feel are present in their current relationships.

But guess, what? The pattern just repeats again with the new partner. The loss of mother nature’s sexual-charged love potion dwindles, and the couple is left to fend for themselves. Gotta learn how to build that love now!

If you have been cheated on, you may be thinking, “If we were meant to be together, my partner would never have cheated on me.” Wrong! That just simply isn’t true. People cheat way before they take that physical sexual step with someone. It’s the coffee breaks and talking about “my stressful marriage” and the flirtations in the hallway at work that already blur the boundaries. Often, cheating partners are knee deep in emotional infidelity before they even notice. Yikes.

But hey, don’t full yourself. People are attracted to other people naturally. We wouldn’t be human if we weren’t attracted to people around us. Marriage does not dissolve this fact. Being married will not protect you from infidelity. It’s how you work on your marriage that makes the difference. And you have to allow for the truth – my partner will be attracted to someone else, and I have to protect that. But don’t worry. You have the upper hand because your partner chose you in the first place. The foundation is still there. If you and your partner had a loving relationship in the beginning and you both enjoyed each other and felt like you were meant to be together, you can get this back. Actually, you can be stronger than you ever were.

There may be a reason you know about the affair. How did you find out? Did you see your partner’s email? Did a text come through that wasn’t meant for you? Did you get suspicious because things just didn’t seem right between you?
Were there suspicious actions? In many cases, something will tip you off. This is actually a positive sign for you relationship. Research has shown that carelessness of a partner who has cheated might signal a desire to be caught.
Isn’t that something? That there were signs of the infidelity signals your partner’s subconscious desire to end the madness of the double life.

Here’s another reassuring statistic – only 10% of affairs end in marriage. This means that the affair partner usually isn’t the right person for your partner anyway. So don’t bail just yet. Your marriage may just be worth the fight.

I would love to know what you think and if you experienced any similar challenges in your marriage. Comment below and start a conversation!