Why Your Marriage is Really in Trouble

Many people come to me and tell me that their marriage is suffering because they have grown apart. And yes, this is a common complaint in marriage. The reason they have grown apart is always predictable. They fell in love with each other’s personalities, but now, they are living with each other’s characters. Say what? Okay, let me back up…

A personality is how others experience you. It is a public part of who you are. A character is different. Character is who you are in private. The character of who you are is something that your spouse will inevitably see. Your character is something your family sees in most cases. Your character is something your children see. Your character is who you really are.

When you met your spouse, your spouse saw your personality and fell in love with it. However, marriage lasts a long time (or we hope that it will!), and personalities eventually dissipate in intimate relationships when the true character of a person is revealed. It’s kind of neat, really! Your character appears when you think no one is watching, but your spouse is there seeing you in all of your intimate glory. You both meet each other once again when the inner self is revealed. This happens in long-term intimacy. It is natural. It is destined. It is normal.

So…In long term intimacy, our spouses become our mirrors. This means that we actually have to face who we really are in the face of our spouses…we have to face our characters. Well, in many cases, we run away from our characters, don’t we? You can see how uncomfortable and scary this can be if you don’t like who you are!

Marriages suffer for many reasons, but the underlying issue of a problematic marriage is often an urge to run away from really admitting your flaws. And here is your spouse, reflecting your character. Here is the mirror in front of you. Do you like what you see? If not, you can see how problems can begin.

When you and your spouse moved towards long term intimacy (usually 6 months to 2 years after they meet and fall in love), you might have grow apart. Is it because you cannot look at yourself in the mirror? Would you rather be with someone else than remain with your spouse and continue to look at yourself in an honest way? Deep stuff, I know, but it’s often the root of all our problems.

We want to run away from unpleasant things, and facing who we really are is unpleasant at times. It’s difficult to admit that you might have some work to do. But we all do, and it is through admitting our flaws that we can start to overcome them.

Saving your marriage and growing your character is a simultaneous process. When I work with couples in the Soulmate Template Relationship Coaching Program, they often tell me that I not only helped save their marriage, but I also helped them look at themselves and helped them become better people. Well, it’s not me who does that. I just guide the way. The spouse is the mirror.

In order to have a truly amazing marriage, you both have to grow, look at one another, be honest, swallow your pride, stay when you want to run, and work together. Soulmates make one another better day after day and year after year. It’s not always comfortable, but isn’t anything worth having require work and dedication? Your marriage is no different.